First published in The Hindu, 8th September 2024

You’re a student at a prestigious liberal arts college, majoring in Economics. The course work excites you and you strive to be a diligent student. Soon after class, you head to your room and find your roommate crying over a poor grade. Though you had planned to meet your friends, you decide to comfort her. Later that evening, you chat and get into a giggling fit with your closest buddies. On the way back to your room, your mom texts you about your younger brother needing help with a debate. Even as you ponder over when you’d find the time to call him, you spot a campus dog that you feed every day limping in pain.

The many facets of you

Student, confidant, friend, daughter, sister, animal-lover. Do you have multiple social identities and often find it hard to toggle and juggle them? Of course, the above list is not exhaustive as you also may be an Indian, a woman, a feminist and an environmentalist. Some are explicitly chosen (like being an animal-lover) whereas you may be born into others (daughter or sister or Indian). Further, some aspects may be more “public and formal” (being a student) while others may be more casual and limited to your close circle (being a friend).

In an article in the online magazine Psyche, Anna Zinn writes that the environment we are in usually determines which identity is expressed. So, when you are in class, the “diligent student” identity may be the one on display. However, if you find that a friend is misty-eyed in the middle of the lecture, your “compassionate friend” identity may surface and overpower the former identity for a while.

Having multiple identities is what constitutes your “support network,” says Zinn and can help you face the pulls and tugs of life with more resilience. If you were to do poorly on your exams, your peers and family may help you cope with the setback. Alternatively, if your parent falls seriously ill, you may seek support from your siblings, peers and professors.

Balancing conflicting identities

While having multiple identities is valuable, it can also exact a cost, especially when one identity conflicts with another. You see yourself as a diligent student who preps ahead of time for your exams. However, your friends keep pinging you asking whether you’d like to join them at the mall, or at a movie or for a meal. Being a fun-loving friend is also a key aspect of your identity, but when exams are round the corner, how do you handle identities that are at odds? At points like this, it’s helpful to weigh the costs and benefits of your actions on each identity.

If you choose to stay home and study, you’re more likely to excel on your exams. And, you are keen to get into a top-notch Master’s program thereafter. Should you decide to hang with your friends, they’d only be too happy. But if you desist, are they going to cut you out of their lives? While a couple of them may make a snarky comment on what a nerd you are, your relationships with most of them are likely to stay intact.

So, for a while you may put your “fun-loving friend” identity on hold, while the “diligent student” in you asserts itself. To do this, Zinn recommends that you avoid triggers that activate the conflicting identity. Most importantly, put your phone on silent while you study or better still, keep it in another room. The constant pings and updates of your friends hanging out together may dilute your resolve to study.

Further, you may want to dispense with certain identities altogether if they’re harmful to your health and well-being. For example, many smokers enjoy the bonhomie while smoking together with colleagues or friends. To break the habit, Zinn recommends forging a new facet by identifying with “ex-smokers” instead.

(The writer is the author of Zero Limits: Things Every 20-Something Should Know. She blogs at www.arunasankaranarayanan.com.)