First published in The Hindu, 5th April 2025
Though schools may not explicitly announce ranks of all students, very early on, children imbibe the message that they’re competing with one another. We can’t blame students for comparing their grades with their peers because in today’s rat race, a difference of a fraction of a percentage can determine which college or program you enter. Such obsession with comparing marks spills into other arenas of life as well. Who is the fastest athlete in class? Who has won the most medals at interschool competitions? Who is the most popular kid in class? Further, with social media providing 24/7 benchmark of likes, for trivial and significant posts, social comparison has scaled new peaks.
In an article in Psyche, philosopher Wojciech Kaftańskinotes that social media has “amplified the frequency” of our social comparisons. Further, the ‘Likes’ we receive can be “addictive,” fuelling an unhealthy need to keep checking whether our posts are garnering attention.As a result, instead of engaging in social comparisons once in a while like we used to do in earlier times, this behaviour is becoming ‘habitual.’ Our continual focus on superficial connections detracts us from nurturing close and meaningful relationships. Kaftański points out that social media can feed an slew of negative emotions ranging from “jealousy and anger” to “self-loathing, hopelessness and boredom.”
In another article in Psyche, Joel Minden writes that social comparison is an integral aspect of the human condition. Both Minden and Kaftański observe that while comparisons can weigh us down, they may also buoy us to better ourselves. Minden argues that comparisons, by themselves, are not insidious. It’s the way we respond to them that matters. A ‘neutral’ observation of the differences between you and others is not harmful per se. However, the thoughts and emotions that follow those assessments can by self-defeating and even toxic.
How to cope
Instead of trying to shy away from making comparisons, Minden coaxes us to be mindful of how we are responding to them. Are my thoughts making me feel jealous? Or do I feel belittled? Am I feeling dejected? Then examine your thoughts to uncover biases and assumptions. Minden suggests that you use the tools of cognitive behaviour therapy to help you respond to social comparisons in more balanced and salubrious ways.
If you notice that your old schoolmates seem to have more vibrant social lives than you, observe the automatic thoughts that pop into your head. If the first thought that arises says, “I will never have as many friends as them,” you need to examine it more critically. You may even choose to write down the thought and then try to provide evidence for and against the thought as objectively as possibly. When you do this exercise, you may realize that you value deep and close relationships more than many superficial ones. Alternatively, you may discover that you have not had time to connect with your friends of late, and you need to invest more time into nurturing these relationships. Either way, you are replacing a negative and unhelpful thought with a more positive and proactive ones.
Kaftański also provides pointers to minimize the deleterious effects of social comparisons. Being aware of the harmful effects of constant social comparisons can help us be more mindful. Next, you may also observe yourself as you engage in comparisons. Who do you tend to compare yourself with most? What kinds of feelings do you experience as you make these comparisons? Are there any patterns that emerge?
You may also involve yourself in a healthier form of comparison by pitting your present self against your past and future selves. How have you morphed over time? What changes do you wish to see in yourself? Finally, you need to exercise self-compassion and accept yourself with all your flaws and frailties. And know that everyone, even those with utopic social media posts, is a human being with their share of wins and woes.
(The writer is the author of Zero Limits: Things Every 20-Something Should Know. She blogs at www.arunasankaranarayanan.com.)