First published in The Hindu, 3 May 2025

            The musician bows reverentially as the audience breaks out in deafening applause. As they rise to give him a standing ovation, the maestro bows even lower, as if seeking their blessings. Can a music legend, with a huge fan following, truly be so humble?

            I was privileged to attend a concert of one of the Carnatic legends some years ago and was struck by the humility of the musical genius. When I went home and googled him, I learnt that he suffers from alcoholism and has a fraught marriage. Was his humility on stage merely performative?

            Though I don’t profess to be an expert on humility, either in theory or practice, I’ve read a couple of books to understand the essence of this human virtue.  In The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness, Timothy Keller writes that many people in traditional cultures believe that people with swollen heads find it difficult to get along with others. This is possibly a reason why we, in India, shy away from praising children when they do well, fearing that they will think no end of themselves. In contrast, western cultures tend to hold the view that people who are troubled have low self-esteem, and hence need to be bolstered.

            Which view is correct? Is it better to have high or low self-esteem? According to Keller, both thinking too highly or lowly of yourself are the same. Essentially, we are thinking about ourselves. The path towards humility involves “thinking of myself less.” As the title of Keller’s books suggests, liberation comes from “self-forgetfulness.”

Keller avers that the human ego is “empty, painful, busy and fragile.” Though our ego may be distended, at its core, it is only a void. He also observes that our attention is drawn to body parts that hurt. Nobody thinks much about their big toe unless it is wounded. Likewise, our attention shifts to our egos every time we get poked. Keller surmises that our ego gets pricked easily because there is “something incredibly wrong with it.” As we also tend to think of ourselves repeatedly, our egos are always busy. Lastly, due to its other characteristics, the ego is also easily broken.

Make an effort

            What can we do to cultivate more humility? In Humble, Daryl Van Tongeren admits that it’s not easy. Though he has been researching the topic for decades, his wife rated him as 4 out of 10 on humility. However, he does provide some useful tips that we can incorporate into our lives. First, we need to solicit feedback from dependable people close to us on how we come across to the world as we are often poor judges of ourselves. We need to be open to unflattering feedback without letting our defenses blind us to our own flaws.

            Next, we need to adopt a growth mindset wherein we believe it is possible for us to change, be it honing a skill or refining a trait. Knowing that humans are fallible makes us less averse to admitting our mistakes and learning from them. We may also make a conscious effort to grow more empathetic. This involves trying to understand the world from the perspective of others while extending warmth and compassion, even to those who hurt us. Of course, this doesn’t come naturally to us but with practice it becomes easier.

            Finally, humility involves acknowledging something larger and more significant than our individual selves. By injecting more awe experiences, be it a breathtaking sunset or a moving musical performance, we realize our smallness, yet feel connected to something larger and more wondrous. According to Keller, humble people are less likely to be stung by criticism. As we grow more “self-forgetful,”notes Tongeren, we become less tethered to societal expectations of successand live more securely believing that “we’re already more than enough.”

(The writer is the author of Zero Limits: Things Every 20-Something Should Know. She blogs at www.arunasankaranarayanan.com.)